Since the beginning of the semester my life has been in a real mess, my priorities were all haywire I was putting my friends ahead of everything education, family and the most important thing Sarah. Our relationship was getting worst by the day. Everyday seems to bring us further and further apart. At one point I actually gave up on the relationship, everything seems so impossible to patch up. It was like watching a terminal cancer patient fighting for his or her life. It was a war that we will never win.

I have known Sarah since I was 9. From the very first moment I saw her I was instantaneously mesmerized by her. All the small chats we had in school were some of the baby steps towards our great relationship. When we were 11 we got to know each and other much better, talking on the phone for hours has become a norm. I was in love with her but I just didn’t have the courage to tell her.

At 11 many question the “love” factor. I know it was love not just any infatuations, I love how the way she laughs, I love how her hair smells so nice and there were so many things that made her just so extremely attractive to me. Once incident that I remembers till this day were the one spent at “Canteen Day”, we spend the whole day together talking, playing and the greatest moment was when she wore my cap. My cap has always been a very personal item of mine for her to wear it was indescribable.

When we were 12 we drifted a part slightly she was probably embarrassed that kids at school was teasing us or she was just concentrating to do well for the final examination. We didn’t talk as much during that year, everything was a blur for a moment I thought I lost her but after the final examination things started to pick up from where we left. I still remember that very conversation that I confess my love for her. If I am not mistaken we were talking about some kids liking who and who and then I pop the question at her or she pop the question at me, can’t really remember the sequence but that is when we actually told each other then we have feelings for each and other.

It was pure ecstasy. I finally knew that she loves me. This is the beginning to our very fairytale love life. From that very period of courtship till the day we confess our love, Sarah and I have manage to love each and other for 8 years and I was about to give up on that 8 years of endless wonderful memories for my friends that I have known for a mere month. Judge, curse, condemn me all you want. The relationship was dying, the once so called eternal flames was being extinguish. Is this the ending to us?

Something was eating inside me, my love for Sarah has totally vanished I dreaded to see her because all we do is argue and I hated it so much. I wanted everything to stop, the argument, the love, the commitment, I just wanted everything to end so badly. The words that she wrote on her diary made me tear. I knew there was no return. The fairytale is coming to an end. Everyone who knows us knew that something was not going right. I was too consumed up by my friends. I didn’t see anything wrong in their doings.

Things just didn’t get any better. It was like a nightmare that had no ending. I had to make a choice between Sarah and them. Questions after questions I couldn’t believe that I for once lost control of my actions. I hated all this shit, I kept everything to myself. I lost my faith in praying, I knew this is one mess that only I can save myself from. I keep on telling myself that I can balance this shit I can spend time with Sarah and also spend time with my friends but by the looks of it I was losing the balance I breath my friends air more then I spend time sleeping on the same bed with Sarah.

The monster inside me has consumed me up totally. The final straw was when I left Sarah and my sister in Singapore and head back to Malaysia with my friends, many things happen during that trip that woke me up. I couldn’t believe I gave up my life for this Brady Bunch. I was angry at myself but I know it was just too late to do anything, I’ve pushed Sarah so far away and she was going to leave me. I put on a brave face in front of my family. I sense my mom knew something was not right because I had never left Sarah alone before.

Reading all the letters she wrote for me during our 8 years put a bigger dent in my heart. We’ve been through so much. We worked so hard to keep this relationship a reality and I was blowing everything away. I lost Sarah once and I couldn’t believe that I am going to lose her again. The love of my life was going to leave me. All our dreams of marriage, growing old together, gone in a puff. The more I thought about it, tears start to roll down profusely, every drop represents a dream that I shared with Sarah. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was, I wanted to hold her so tight and die in her arms begging her to not let me go. I have lost all hope, I have lost Sarah.

I dread the journey back to Singapore. I didn’t know how to face her. I wanted so badly to tell her I was truly sorry but when I finally did get to see her I just totally blank out. It just made matter worst she felt that I didn’t care about the anything. My head was like a vortex, everything was such a blur. It was the longest night of my life, seeing Sarah cry broke my heart even more but I just couldn’t find the words to comfort her. The ending was near I could sense it. The past 8 years flash by my eyes.

I’m not here to say I’m sorry,
I’m not here to lie to you,
I’m here to say I’m ready,
That I’ve finally thought it through,
I’m not here to let you’re love go,
I’m not giving up oh no,
I’m here to win your heart and soul,
That’s my goal.

Please don’t go,
You know that I need you,
And can’t breath without you,
Live without you,
Be without you,
Well I know I’ve acted foolish,
But i promise you no more,
Well i won’t stop believing,
That we will be leaving together,
So when I say i love you,
I mean it forever and ever,
ever and ever….

I love Sarah so much and I am not doing anything to stop her from leaving. She gave in to me so much that night asking me what’s wrong. I look down at my feet, lost for words. I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was nod my head. Is this really the end?